An open letter to my ex-husband

by on October 28, 2012

I would like to share with everyone something unexpected and remarkable that happened to me today.  Today I received a message on my blog from my ex-husband.  To give you guys some background, we were married over 7 years ago and it ended VERY badly.  He stole my credit card numbers and ran up about $8000 of debt (this is while we were married) then stole my social security number and started utilities in my name without ever paying them after we split up.  As I’m sure you can imagine I spent many years both struggling to get out of debt, which I had none of before him, and hating him for what he did.  As the years went on I did my best to hide from him.  I blocked him on Facebook, I moved cities, even states.  I was scared that if he found me he would continue to torture me in new horrible ways.  I’m sure many of you out there have similar experiences that you have had to go through.  That is why I thought I would share with you what happened to me.

As the years started to pass I moved on with my life and just removed the thought of him as much as I could from my memory.  A few years ago he found me on Facebook and wrote some rather rude words so I blocked him and changed my Facebook.  I did everything I could just to stay away, all the time assuming that he was “out to get me”.  I was always thinking that he would continue his behavior for the rest of his life and never stop hurting people.  I didn’t give a second thought to him changing.  I NEVER thought that he would feel remorse for his actions.  I no longer hated him but I wouldn’t say I forgave him ether.  I always thought he would loom in my past like a dark cloud that made me shiver when I remembered it.

Then today I received a message from him.  I truly have no idea how he found me.  I don’t know if he has always known where I’ve been.  I didn’t know that he had spent the last 7 years lamenting the things that happened between us to break us up.  For certain I never expected in a million years the letter he wrote.  He apologized.  Not just a small hey I’m sorry things didn’t work or I still think of you everyday kind of letter.  No, this was a heartfelt pouring out of sorrowful regrets for the past, he took responsibility for his behavior, he showed kindness and he was genuinely happy for me now.  He expected nothing in return but my forgiveness.  I was in shock.  This was someone I had written off as having no feelings at all and here he was telling me what had hurt him and caused us to grow apart.  The man I thought had no feeling towards me actually was tortured by what happened for years.  In fact, where as I was able to move on and let it go, he had to live with it eating him up inside day after day.  All this time I thought I was the “victim” but he was the one that was really in pain!

Today was another paradigm shift for me.  I see now more than ever how you never really know why people do the things they do and that as I’ve mentioned before, it usually has very little to do with you.  People are reacting to their own past, their own issues, and their own insecurities.  To hate someone or wish any bad on them is both harmful to you and lacks compassion for them and whatever they are struggling through.  So Mike, I want to publicly thank you.  I want to thank you for the time we spent together, for the good memories, and for the effort you went through to apologize after all these years.  You are a good person, you always have been.  Sometimes life gets us all twisted up and makes us do crazy things but in the end, we loved each other once…. and that’s beautiful.  I wish you all the best in life. 

To all the rest of you, maybe there is someone you should reach out to and say the things you have been wanting to say.  I can only imagine the peace that Mike feels today.  Even if it’s half of what I felt as I read the letter and burst into tears. 

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” Ian Maclaren



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