Why is he doing this?

by on May 24, 2011

There are times in life when people can hurt you a lot.  When they make decisions you wish they wouldn’t or even remove themselves from your life when you are not ready for it.  It’s even harder to deal with this when you add the element of love into the equation.  It’s easy to think that you can love someone enough for the both of you, or that you can hold on so tight that they won’t slip away.  But the truth is that you cannot hold anyone to you in life.  We are all on our own journey and we have to allow each other the space and time to take our journeys.  Still this is a hard thing to do when you love someone and they choose to push you away.  When they choose to hurt themselves and follow a self destructive path instead of being safe next to you.  It hurts to watch them suffer and it brings up feelings of injustice, the infamous “this is not far”.  How quickly feelings of intense love turn into boiling rage.  No one can hurt you as deep as the ones you love and for that no one can encounter the same hatred you feel towards them when you get hurt.

After having an experience like this of my own and pondering this feeling for some time I took a nap. When I woke up I had some insight, at the very least into my own feelings on the matter.  My clearest thoughts come to me from my dreams.  I feel like I can really think when I’m sleeping, search out the people I have questions for and have the conversations I need to have with them to make peace with the situation at hand.  I wake up with a new understanding that is bigger than my perspective.  Here is a little of what I awoke understanding.

I thought that I was the one being pushed away, that somehow I was overwhelming him and that he no longer wanted to talk to me.  After I gave it some thought I realized that he was pushing the world away.  It had nothing to do with me.  He wanted to hide from the whole world, to burry himself so deep that he felt nothing anymore.  I think we all have felt like that at times when our worlds fall apart.  I was just a part of the world, a voice from the outside that required an answer when there were no answers left in his soul. 

I had a moment of enlightenment then when I realized that the things that your loved ones do usually have nothing to do with you, and as such should not affect you on such a deep level.  People do the craziest things just trying to gain power over the pain they feel inside.  When they first hear that nagging voice inside, the one that says they are not good enough and that they will never better there life.  The dark wounds in their heart that they work so hard to cover start to ache, then burn, then bleed….that’s when they act out to make the pain stop.  Everyone has a different outlet for pain.  Some drink, some eat, some starve, some cut, and some throw a cocktail of drugs into themselves till there numb.  It doesn’t matter what avenue they choose the result is the same.  The momentary “high” over being in control of what you’re doing to yourself, it’s better to kick your own ass then have the world doing it when you think things are looking up.  The great time you enjoy in that moment when finally the pain is numb and you don’t have to think anymore. The down side is that there is always an “after”.  The intense feelings of regret or maybe just self loathing at what you are capable of and what you have turned into.  For some, out of this disgust, comes the overwhelming feeling to pull yourself together and make something happen.  This can be a cycle of cleansing really.  Loose a few brain cells and grow a few neuron pathways I suppose.  The bottom line is that you as the outsider looking in do not know the pain being dulled or the whys behind this behavior.  Truly it’s not your cross to bear anyway.  This is the self discovery and self growth that every human goes through in different ways.  You can’t not give a man the answer you can only encourage him to think.

At times when people are hurting they often say things that can hurt, or remove themselves from you in an abandoning kind of way.  The realization that I came to is that the reaction of being “hurt” or “mad” is a choice.  You choose your feeling and how you let them govern you.  You can be hurt over what you interpret as betrayal or you can remove yourself from the situation and realize that it has nothing to do with you.  That the person you love is only following their path even if it is taking them down a hard road at the moment.  The ability to love someone unconditionally is a virtue that we would all be wise to learn.  To take your love away and act with hatred over someone’s decision is only an outward display of your own selfish wants for the relationship.  You cannot stop what the universe brings into your life nor can you reverse what it takes away.  Every day is a lesson to be learned.  What if we all stopped blaming and started feeling compassion and understanding for those we love.  Allow our loved ones to live their lives the only way they know how and support them on their paths even if it takes them away.  That is true love.  That is selfless love. 

The people who are in our lives we bring to us.  They are your mirror to help you see your own challenges and opportunities.  The question is not why is my love hurting me?  The question is why are you feeling pain?  Why is your self-worth and peace of mind at the hands of another?  These things are in your own soul and you will continue to bring people “mirrors” into your life to show you what you need until you grow.  Allow people their own journey and focus on your own.  Peoples self destructive behavior is not your worry, it is theirs, and true love asks nothing from someone else it only admires who they already are.  I’m on this journey too, I hope to grow from what I’ve learned and I wish well upon those that have crossed my life and helped me SEE.

Peace and Love,


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